It's late right now, and I'm struggling to fall asleep. I worry at times that my young adult life has shaped my life now, and I'll never "get better", but there's always time for change. I spent my evening doing a little journalling, and enjoying some music. I applied to a few jobs, and played some World Of Warcraft with my Flatmate. It was a lovely evening. Before bed I wrote my mother a little letter, cut it up, and made a birthday card for her. Im embarrassed by it because I'm not overly skilled, and it looks like something an 8 year old would make. But I put my heart into it. Maybe she'll like it, maybe not. I went and applied to a cooking course, and toured the facilities, and it was really lovely. Their garden is beautiful. The place had a weird vibe I wasn't used to. You could feel the sense of community from everyone there, and it was refreshing. Im excited to start in a few weeks, but until then, next week on Wednesday they have a gardening thing they do which I might attend. I think one thing that grabs me about the day was that I felt comfortable in being myself. I've struggled with that a lot over the years, but today it felt like I was FINALLY living as me. The walk down in the sun, speaking to everyone and not feeling any fear in using my Chosen name and not my "dead name", seeing a Kereru in the trees in the garden, having coffee with my Flatmate... It all felt like all those troubles I've struggled with, all the insecurities and hate I had for myself when I was younger had washed away in the heat. Now in laying here waiting for sleep to take me, my mind wandering.
I've come a long way. From a depressed shut in who played league of legends all day, who thought about suicide daily, who would bibgw on food, then starve herself as punishment, who'd wake up and smoke weed first thing in the morning, drink every weekend till i couldn't remember the week just gone. I've come from someone who didn't want to live, to someone who feels life in the sun and moon. Who feels the breath of the trees, and the kiss of the rain.
Im still struggling to find purpose in my life. Still struggling to get out of bed, feeling as if I'm not good enough to do anything. I'm still scared of being rejected by friends and family because I'm trans. Still the same ditsy girl who cared more about having fun and laughing than being a productive adult.
But I've been rewarded for my efforts. Im able to write now like I used to when I was younger. It's getting easier to read books again. I feel able to socialize with people moreso than ever. I have a better understanding of my emotions and better control of how I react to them. I'm able to look at my actions outside of my head, and think through my life more without spiraling.
Life is a struggle. Life is strange. But I'm so glad I'm living it. Im so glad I didn't give up like I wanted to as a teenager.
I think, for the first time in years, I'm genuinely happy. Not happy because of something or someone. But just because I'm me, living my life.
I love it here, and I'm excited for the future.
Oh, I also got a pack of My Little Pony cards today, didn't pull a single Pinkie Pie, but I got a beautiful Rarity card. I can't wait to get more. But my goodness I pray for every Trixie, Pinkie, Ditsy, and Maud card to come my way. But mainly Pinkie. Gonna start carrying her in my pocket again like i did when I was 16. We're Funnaxxing out here.
Anyways, if you read this, I love you. The world is a beautiful place, and is more beautiful with you in it. We'll do amazing things here.
~Leah